Fan Fiction
by dave-d
Summary: There's a writing contest. The entries were sent in too early, before Tsunade had a chance to explain things. More was on the line than anyone realized. Who wins? Why is that a problem? [one shot story]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

_This story borrows very heavily from the Wikipedia article on 'Fan Fiction'. That online articleis a very interesting read, and a good primer for anyone confused with terminology, or interested in some historical details. I also made use of the article on 'Fandom'. As such, I make no claims that the information here came from any great research of mine. Naruto and the other characters are not mine either, but you all know that._

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The door closed, catching everyone's attention.

"I'm amazed. Not only is everyone here, you're all awake." Tsunade placed a folder on the lectern. "I'd say it's wonderful to see you all here bright and early, but…" She looked over at Naruto. "Some of you are just here early…"

"Very funny, Old Lady!" Naruto scowled. "Why don't you pick on someone else for a change?"

"Oh? Did I mention any names?" The Hokage smiled. Most of the assembled shinobi laughed, chuckled, or began speaking to one another in whispers. Only Hinata sat quietly, rubbing her fingers together. "I'm here to give my lecture on Fan Fiction, since we all seem to be affected by it more and more these days. I hope that Gai… who kindly stepped in for me last week… read a few things to you as examples." She looked towards the back of the room. "Lee?"

"**_OHHHHHHHH-H-H-H-H!" _**Lee stood up, flames in his eyes. "Gai sensei is the best teacher. There is no one in Konoha who could stoke the burning fire of youthful creativity better than he can. Last week, he did more than read. He drove our fervor to new heights, inspiring us to soar like literary comets."

"Uh huh." Tsunade sighed. "Neji, would you be so kind and translate that for me?" Tsunade hadn't brought her 'Lee-Everyone Else' dictionary that morning. Not having had time to stop for coffee, she was in no shape to deal with the boy's Gai-speak.

"Yes, Ma'am. Our sensei read a few stories, and then challenged us to do better. He threw out a number of terms, but never had a chance to explain all of them. He also handed out the contest forms."

"Contest forms?" The Hokage frowned. "How did he get _those? _They weren't supposed to arrive for another week or so. I didn't want anyone to submit their story until we finished the primer." She walked to the door and called out. "Shizune! I need you to do me a favor…" She asked her assistant to track down the forms, making certain that they had not been officially entered. They should be set aside until further word from her.

"Hokage, Ma'am?" Ten Ten had her hand raised.

"Yes, Ten Ten?" Tsunade tapped her fingers on the lectern, feeling uncharacteristically anxious.

"Why is it bad if we sent the forms and our stories in? If some of the other villages do better, we won't actually lose face, _will_ we?" Ten Ten stifled a yawn. She had spent all night writing, and had mailed her entry before coming here.

"It's not about face," the Hokage said. "And this isn't merely an assignment. It was to be a very important opportunity, one that could turn out terrible if it fell into the wrong hands, and one which could be a tremendous blessing to our village if things go well."

"You mean, if Naruto does very well on his story, someone in a faraway village might sign him on as a writer and take him out of our hair?" Kiba leaned back in his chair and laughed. _"That _would be one heck of a prize!"

"**Kiba!" **Naruto stood up. He was about to speak his mind.

"Sit down, Naruto." Tsunade was in no mood for nonsense. "This goes for everyone. If I write a story, I guarantee that it will win. If anyone gets on my nerves, I will write them into a world of hurt." She looked over at Shino. It was rare to hear him ask a question. "Yes?"

"Why would your story be a deterrent?" Shino's glasses barely cleared the high collar of his clothing.

"I was trying to get to that. The rules of the contest are simple. The stories should be Fan Fiction. They should be original. There should be no ghostwriters. There are no limits to the plot." Tsunade took a deep breath. This was the part that had her somewhat worried. "One story will be judged the winner. That story will then take place. We will live out our roles, no matter what is written."

"_What? _That is terribly bothersome." Shikamaru was afraid to think what might happen if Ino won the contest.

"Does that mean we could die, if someone writes us in as dead?" Sakura stood up. She looked frightened. "Or, even worse, we might have intimate relations…" She looked over at Naruto, and then closed her eyes. It wouldn't be so bad if _she_ won, since she had Sasuke returning in her story.

"There are no limits to the plot. There might well be consequences we never considered. That's why I wanted to go over things first. I hope none of you wrote a story that any of us would be ashamed of. If Gai read the instructions properly, you should all know that the winning story will be printed throughout each of the Nations. The winner will also be responsible for reading their story to a large assembly of elders and family heads. There can be no exceptions." Tsunade looked around the room. She stared at Kiba for a long time, and then Naruto. None of the assembled shinobi reacted as if they had done anything terrible. "OK. Show of hands. Who wrote their story and sent it in? Sit down Lee. Raising your hand will do."

Those who had written their stories and post-marked them put their arms up.

"Let's see. Naruto. Sakura. Lee. Ten Ten. Neji. Hinata. Shino." Tsunade was actually glad that Kiba, Choji, and Shikamaru hadn't bothered to follow through this time. Three less chances for trouble. She took a deep breath again. Who said that there would even _be_ trouble? "Do you have copies of what you wrote?" No one did. Gai should have thought to ask for a chance to review things before they were submitted. He was in for a very stern tongue-lashing, regardless of how things turned out.

After Tsunade allowed Naruto to run for a bathroom break, and Choji had a chance to visit the snack machine down the hall, the Hokage began her lecture. She hoped that it wasn't too little too late.

"Let's start off with the concept of Fandom. Keen aficionados of any phenomenon such as authors, hobbies, or fashions can collectively be termed as fandom. Those avid fans are often interested in even minor details of the object of their fandom, sometimes to the point of obsession."

"Ramen," Sakura said. That had Naruto looking excited at first, and then pulling at his lip when he realized that his friend was poking fun at him.

Tsunade smiled. "That's what distinguishes them from those people who only have casual interest in the same things. Fandom members often attend various fan conventions. I haven't seen any postings for a noodle convention yet, however."

Naruto opened his mouth to reply, but didn't. In actuality, the fewer people who ate Ramen… or Udon… or Soba… or etc… the more noodles there would be for him. He nodded his head and smiled. Slurp on _that _Old lady!

"Fandom can also refer to the community of online fans who all share a fandom. Not everyone thinks highly of those individuals. You may hear the terms 'fanboy' or 'fangirl'. Those are not compliments, and are used for fans who take things to extreme levels. The word 'otaku' is somewhat different. Depending on the culture, it might have either a positive or negative connotation. Regardless, there are unhealthy aspects to fandom, with some fans becoming fixated to such a degree that they have trouble relating to other human beings. Believe it or not, there are some who have difficulty coping with the real world."

"Ramen," Sakura said again. Ino snickered. Shikamaru just sighed. Girls can be so annoying.

"But, I have to give credit to some fans." The Hokage shrugged. "There are some people who are fearless. They will take part in things that most people would find embarrassing. Some enjoy dressing in bizarre outfits for Cosplay, while others will recite lines of dialogue alone or as part of a group reenactment. Most fans do those things as a means of appreciation or expression, and have an otherwise healthy life. There are certainly worse things for shinobi to get involved with. If you say 'Ramen' again Sakura, you will be emptying bedpans in place of the orderlies for the next four weeks."

Sakura slid in her seat. She gave Naruto a nasty look, even though it wasn't really his fault. She sat up straighter and put on a faux smile when Tsunade stared at her, ready to move on to the meat of her talk.

"Fan fiction is what you might think it is… fiction written by people who enjoy a film, TV show, book, or some kind of medium, using the characters and situations that take place in those stories, developing new plots for them. A good many years ago, the term 'Fan Fiction' was used in science fiction fandom to label any story written by a fan and published in fanzines. No one uses the term that way any more." Tsunade paused. "Yes, Choji?"

"I didn't finish my story because I was worried that I might have done something wrong. I used a lot of brand names for snacks I eat. They were the real names, not companies that I made up. Would I have been in trouble if I finished it?" Choji offered his chip back to Shikamaru who couldn't be bothered to reach in and grab a chip.

"Well, in some Nations, copyright owners have the right to control or restrict the publishing of Fan Fiction based on their material, even if they don't actually own the works. Some Nations protects parody, an Fan Fiction is in a grey area legally in such areas. But, even if there is no law saying a person can't write, the owner of a story the can still put pressure on the fans. A single 'cease and desist' letter from a corporation with deep pockets can frighten a lone fan who can't afford any legal help." Tsunade was glad that Choki asked that question. She would need to prepare a more formal dissertation on that aspect for next year.

"Ma'am?" Shikamaru surprised himself by raising his hand.

"Yes?" Tsunade was shocked. Shino, and now Shikamaru? She bit her lip. This wasn't part of some story that already won, _was_ it? No. She doubted that any story would have them all listening to her lecture.

"Wouldn't it work both ways? If a writer caused a big ruckus, and word got around that he attacked his own fan, wouldn't that adversely affect publicity? Companies would not want that." Shikamaru had his hands together in his thinking pose.

"He's so bright…" Ino elbowed Sakura, who looked like she'd gladly return the favor with _Isshi Resshin._

"Indeed," Tsunade said, once again impressed by the young man's reasoning. "And, to address Choji's question more precisely, registered trademarks do not prohibit mention of food products… or of fictional characters… in Fan Fiction. All the producer of Fan Fiction has to do is make certain that their works cannot be confused with the trademark holder, and do not claim that their work is in any way written or endorsed by that trademark holder. If it makes you feel safe, you can put some kind of statement or disclaimer to that effect at the start of your stories. I mean, if you write any more stories." The Hokage frowned. If there was any legal trouble over this, Gai would be wearing Green and White striped prison stretch suits for the rest of his life!

"I don't know. I think that the Ramen companies would be happy to see my story!" Naruto grinned and thumped himself in the chest. "They would sell a lot of noodles that way."

"I would have guessed Antacids, myself," the Hokage drawled. That had most people chortling. "There's another point you might not have thought about. Can anyone guess why many authors probably don't read the stories based on their works?" She looked over the room. "Sakura."

"Some authors might be worried that the shoe would end up on the other foot. Someone might accuse them of stealing their ideas." Sakura smiled. She was pretty sure that was correct. At least it made sense to her.

"Exactly. Very good." The Hokage smiled. She wasn't playing favorites with her apprentice. It was a good answer. "Some writers still encourage Fan Fiction, and may avidly read it themselves. However, some may also be troubled by a trend seen on many websites. Some child-based stories get adult themes at fiction sites. There are growing numbers of people changing things drastically, writing slash and other perversions that are not true to the intent of the writer." Tsunade's wording left no uncertainty about her opinion. "We'll cover that briefly, later. For now, just realize that some authors aggressively prevent any Fan Fiction from using any of their characters, or anything else found in their works. Whether or not you believe them, they will claim that they want to safeguard their intellectual accomplishments and prevent any dilution, saturation, or distortion of the world and people portrayed in their works."

"Well, it's a damn sure thing that no one would ever want to write about Naruto!" Kiba slapped his hand down upon his desk. _"Right?"_

"**Please!" **Ino put her finger in her mouth.

"I would…" Sakura shivered. "…Right after I stick myself in the eyes with red hot pins!"

"**I WOULD!" **Naruto stood up. He turned to glare at everyone else.

"I would too." Hinata spoke behind her cupped hands. No one heard her.

"Sit down, Naruto." Tsunade held up one finger. Naruto soon sat, a belligerent look on his mug. "Before we get into some stylistic points and other things, I want to go over the basic types of fan Fictions. You may have come across some words that you don't know the meaning to."

"Like 'Slash'," Kiba said. "That has a cool sound to it." He chopped his hand through the air.

"**Heh heh heh heh. **Granny, write on the blackboard, 'Kiba likes Slash'." Naruto had a wicked gleam in his eyes.

Tsunade looked shocked. She had expected someone to have come across that term, but not Naruto. She figured that he wouldn't read anything that wasn't a justu or Ramen label. Then again, she _had_ seen him carrying around manga volumes before, not to mention an anime DVD or two. "We'll get to that later, Kiba. You might change your mind then. First, does anyone know what a Mary Sue story is?"

"Yeh. That's the name that Kiba will choose for himself when he writes his next Slash story." Naruro placed both hands behind his neck and leaned back.

"Hey, what's that…" Kiba was interrupted.

"**_ENOUGH!" _**The Hokage broke the lectern in half, bringing her finger down too hard. "The next person who interrupts will be very sorry. You gave me a very good idea, Naruto. How would you like to be in a Slash story with Itachi? Maybe Kisame? Haku?" She narrowed her eyes. "Sasuke?"

"That's _gross!" _Naruto looked like he was going to be sick.

"Back to the question," Tsunade said, content with Naruto's reaction. She saw Shino raise his hand. "Shino."

Twice in one day! Should she be worried? Most superstitions involving insects were good ones. If the first butterfly you see in the year is white, you will have good luck all year. Three butterflies together mean good luck. A cricket in the house brings good luck. If a young girl catches a ladybug and then releases it, the direction in which it flies away will be the direction from which her future husband will come. Then again, if a bee enters your home, it's a sign that you will soon have a visitor. If you kill the bee, you will have bad luck, or the visitor will be unpleasant. A white moth inside the house, or trying to enter the house, means death.

"A Mary Sue story is one in which a new character enters the story and goes on to outdo all of the established characters. The Mary Sue character is often flawless, or indestructible." Shino pushed his glasses further up his nose. "Often the Mary Sue represents an idealized author character. A Mary Sue can also be a character upon whom the central canon character becomes dependent, often idealizing the Mary Sue. That kind of writing is generally frowned upon, as some people see it as sacrificing the integrity and quality of the original work. Most people don't want to read about the author's mental image of himself or herself in their Fan Fiction."

"_Hmmmpppfff. _Sounds like something a Big Forehead Girl might write." Ino smirked.

"Or some girl who doesn't have any other way to find a boyfriend," Sakura countered. Her inner Sakura used words that cannot be printed in this forum.

"**There are enough bedpans for the both of you!" **Tsunade's voice rang out like cannon fire. The pointer she brought down upon the ruined lectern snapped in two. One piece was deftly snagged out of the air by Neji, who caught it between two fingers without looking up. "The male form of the Mary Sue has a number of different names, including 'Gary Stu'… 'Larry Stu'… and 'Marty Stu'." The Hokage threw the remnant of her pointer, hitting a snoring Shikamaru in the head and waking him up. "Glad you can join us, Mr. Nara. Why don't you tell the class what a Self-Insert story is?"

Shikamaru sighed and shook his head. Woman Hokages were even more troublesome than girls. Tsunade was worse than Ino. No, she was even worse than his mother. That was saying something. "It's really self-evident," he said with a wave of his hand. "It's a sub-genre of fiction in which an author pens himself or herself into the fiction as an author character. According to detractors, the author essentially becomes a Mary Sue. But, that is not always accurate. In some stories, the author will make himself or herself more subject to human flaw. Or, in some comedic stories, the author may retain his omnipotence, but be comically insane."

"Like some Sannin I know…" Naruto mumbled. "Though, not so comical…"

"**DID YOU SAY SOMETHING MISTER?" **Tsunade was certain that Naruto had said something about her. She couldn't stop sneezing for a moment.

"Of course not!" Naruto stuck out his chin, trying to keep a good poker face. "I wouldn't do that to you. I would _never _want to see you turn into one of those people who write NaruSasu, KakaIru, or GaaNeji stuff."

The Hokage stared at Naruto for a moment before continuing. "Shikamaru was correct. Now, who knows what a Crossover is?"

"**AHHH-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!" **That was Lee, of course. He stood up, legs together and hands behind his back.

"Go ahead, Lee." Tsunade had to let everyone take a chance. She wondered what the boy would say _this_ time.

"**OHHHH…"**

"You already said 'Ahhhhh'. That will do for now." Tsunade rubbed her temples.

"Yes, Ma'am." Lee nodded. "As Gai sensei told me, music soothes the burning hearts of youth, with beautiful melodies exciting the spirit, and beautiful words inspiring the soul." His eyes looked like they were on fire again. "Stereo speakers are designed to reproduce sound, but multiple speakers are usually needed to cover the audible range of human hearing. To have a seamless transition between subwoofer, woofer, midrange and tweeter, a crossover is used to split the sound between the different speakers. Most speaker crossovers are of the passive variety. They are mounted downstream of the amplifier and are mounted within the speaker enclosure. Active crossovers are mounted upstream of the amplifier, and require a separate amplifier for each driver in the speaker. A speaker with a woofer, midrange, and tweeter would require three separate amplifiers if using an active crossover. Since we hear voices with the most detail…" He was cutoff mid-sentence.

"Thank you Lee. That was very impressive. You may take your seat now." Tsunade looked up at the clock. "Does anyone else have an answer that relates to fiction?" She waited. "Come on, I'm certain one of you must know the answer." She frowned. Looking at Naruto. His face said that he knew, but was not about to answer. "Want a chance to earn that necklace all over again, Naruto."

Naruto thumbed his nose. He knew that Tsunade was only bluffing, just as she knew how much he truly liked her. He felt like going outside and practicing. So, the sooner the lecture was over, the better. "It's a kind of story where the characters of different media franchises interact. They're often taken from stories in the same genre, like anime with anime, or TV shows with TV shows. Stuff like that."

"Very good. Maybe I'll write a story with you and Sakura." Tsunade smiled, looking at her apprentice out of the corner of her eye.

"**_NO WAY!"_**Sakura's strength was in evidence. She actually broke the small table off of her chair in the process of standing up.

Hinata lay her head on her desk and sighed.

"That's so yesterday!" Naruto put one leg up on his chair and made a flamboyant gesture. "She may pick up right where she left off with 'Sasuke-kun' this and Sasuke-kun' that. But, I'm finished with all that 'Sakura-chan' crap. Pink is out."

Sakura didn't know whether to be ecstatic or insulted. Her face clouded over when Ino made a face at her.

Hinata sat up so quickly, she put a hand to her forehead, feeling dizzy.

"Are you going to mention Song-Fic?" Ten Ten asked.

"I was. Why don't you do it, then." Tsunade said.

"A Song-Fic is a story, often a one-shot, where the lyrics to a song, or sometimes a poem, are included in the body of the story, and are somehow connected to the plot of the story." Ten Ten looked over at Neji to see if he was paying attention. He had been in the story that she wrote, and it happened to be a Song-Fic. "In some Song-Fics, characters may perform the actions described in the song, or may go through the emotions described in there. In others, the lyrics may be used to reveal a depth to the character, or explain complex emotions." She placed her chin on her hands and stared at Neji some more. "In other Song-Fics, a song is used to set the general mood for the story."

Tsunade nodded. "Very nice." She followed Ten Ten's gaze. The only person in the room who didn't know how the girl felt about Neji _was_ Neji. "I expect you all to behave in adult fashion now. You are not children, and the is not Sex Ed class. Just the same, we will be touching on some mature subjects, so to speak." She paused, waiting to see if someone was going to act up. They were all sitting like perfect angels. That had actually had her concerned for a moment. "Fine. Some of you may have heard of the term 'Het'. If you haven't, 'Het' indicates that a story hasas its main focus a relationship between two characters of different genders. The expression is derived from the word 'heterosexual' and can vary from innocent romance to explicit erotica.

"_Heh heh heh heh. _She said 'sex'." Kiba was in the mood to be a wise ass. "Hear that, Hinata?"

"**SIT!" **Tsunade yelled at Naruto, not Kiba. Naruto had stood up, ready to defend the timid girl. While the Hokage might like to encourage that relationship in a different setting, this was not the place and time. She walked to the blackboard, checked each of the six erasers, and chose two. She walked back to where Kiba sat, clapped both erasers on either side of his head, and then stormed back to the front of the room, leaving the coughing boy obscured by a huge yellow cloud.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata blushed, daydreaming again.

"It's amazing that boys ever grow up to be men." Tsunade blinked rapidly, thinking of Jiraiya. "Forget I said that. Boys probably _never _grow up. But, if there are any more interruptions, certain boys will never grow any older!" The lights in the room did not dim. There was no flash of lightning or crash of thunder. No one could have convinced Kiba of that fact. Especially after the Hokage's next words left no doubt who she was talking about. "Dogs aren't the only ones that can be neutered…"

Lee's eyes went even wider than usual, a near impossibility. He cover his crotch with both hands, even though he knew that the Hokage was angry with Kiba.

Naruto smiled a huge smile, showing all of his teeth. It was good to see Kiba put in his place. Sure, the other boy had become a good friend, but he and Akamaru had been acting up a bit lately. Kiba had been the first of them to have a steady girlfriend, and made use of every opportunity to let the other guys know. He often made sly remarks about Naruto, wondering why he didn't have a girlfriend yet. That always left Naruto feeling kind of down. Who would ever want _him?_

"Now, we will get to the topic of Slash." Tsunade frowned. "A Slash story has as its main focus a relationship between characters of the same gender. The expression comes from the use of the slash symbol ('/') between two same sex name to designate early fictions of that type from friendship fictions, whose designation used an ampersand ('&'). Stories with male/male parings are the most common. 'Femmeslash' is a term that designates stories centered on a lesbian relationship, though some female fan writers have begun to prefer term 'Saffic'… which derives from 'Sapphic' and 'Fiction'. Like Het, Slash fiction varies from innocent romance to explicit erotica."

"There are a lot of other terms that come up in some Fan Forums that talk about that kind of stuff." Naruto scratched his head. "It gets real confusing. I wish people would just write normal stories."

"It's all a matter of preference, Naruto. If you're going to be Hokage some day, you'll be responsible for protecting _all _of the people." Tsunade said.

"Protect? Sure. Approve? I hope that's not in the job description." Naruto stuck out his jaw and pursed his lips. He frowned when he heard Ino say 'Neanderthal'. Ten Ten corrected her, saying 'Narutothal'.

"Anyway, in anime and manga slash fictions, there are specialized terminologies in common use, as a certain opinionated young ninja just mentioned." Tsunade didn't feel hypocritical. She may not like certain things, but she respected every person's right to choose what he or she liked, as long as it didn't hurt anyone else or present a risk to her village. "They often are brought from one language into another. For example, the terms _shōnen-ai _and _yaoi_ refer to male/male slash fictions, while _shōjo-ai _and _yuri _refer to femslash fiction. In proper usage, shonen-ai/shojo-ai refers to romantic relationships, and yaoi/yuri refers to more sexual relationships. There is also a specific type of Slash fiction referred to as Wingfic. That is a story where one or both of the romantically involed characters grows wings. Most Wingfics have the character who has grown wings feeling disgusted with their new form, with other character showing them that they are truly beautiful, usually through sexual intercourse, and sometimes in midair."

Naruto scowled. He had only seen one person with wings. That was Sasuke, during their fight at the Valley. If anyone ever wrote a story about him and Sasuke, he'd give the author wings just so he could rip them off and shove them down his or her throat. It might not be so bad if someone wrote a story about Kiba and Sasuke. That might actually be funny. Yeh. He'd buy _that_ author a big bowl of Shrimp Ramen.

"You may also have heard reference to Lemon and Lime." The Hokage wiped her brow. They were about half way through now.

Hinata's eyes widened.

"Explicit sex stories, especially those in anime fiction, are known as 'Lemons'." Tsunade caught sight of Hinata. The white-eyed girl jerked, her arms twitching. She knocked her notebook onto the floor. "Are you alright, Hinata?"

"Ummm… I'm… ummm… I'm fine, Ma'am." Hinata blushed.

Tsunade shrugged, keeping an eye on Hinata. "A 'Lime' is a moderated version of a 'Lemon'. It will still be sexual, but will not necessarily be explicit." She paused. Why was the white-eyed girl shrinking down in her chair. She was turning red, too. Was she sick? No. It was likely Hinata being Hinata. Mention of the word 'sex' would be enough to make _her_ dizzy. "Lemons without much plot other than sex are also referred to as 'smutfics'."

After that, the Hokage took a short break. She was going to get a drink of water, but thought better about leaving the class room. She sent Hinata, thinking that it might do her some good to leave the room for a few moments.

Having finished her drink, Tsunade touched on other types of stories, mentioning Virtual Seasons; Alternative Universe; Continuation; Real Person Fiction; Original Fan Fiction; Fan Fiction as Pastiche; Hateful 'FanFic'; Webseries; and stories that extend the canon. Just as she was about to move on to specific issues involving story writing, the door flew open and Shizune ran in.

"Well?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow.

"I called over to the Contest Manager." Shizune took a moment to catch her breath. She must have run over from the Main Office at the Medical Center. "She said that the contest was over. They had picked a winner."

"**WHAT?" **The Hokage clenched her fists. "**_ALREADY?" _**She pulled over a chair and sat down hard. She felt her heart rate speeding up. "How could they do that? The stories weren't even supposed to be submitted yet!"

"I don't know," Shizune said. She hoped that her boss knew the saying 'Don't kill the messenger'.

"Was it someone from this village?" Tsunade asked.

"Yes," Shizune nodded.

"This classroom?" Tsunade closed her eyes.

"Yes." Shizune looked down at the faxed results in her hand.

Sakura sat up straighter in her chair, Ino looked over at Shikamaru. Naruto licked his lips and rubbed his belly.

"Who?" The Hokage wasn't certain that she really wanted to know that answer.

"Hyuuga Hinata." Shizune looked over at Hinata. She heard Hinata squeak and slide out of her seat. She didn't get up immediately.

"Hinata." Tsunade stood up, and looked over at the white-eyed winner. "What's wrong."

"I… ummm… you see…" Hinata's voice was little more than a whisper.

"What did you write about, Hinata?" Tsunade walked back to help Hinata up. "Or should I say 'Who'?"

"N-… N-… N-…" Hinata put her hand on her chest. "Naruto-kun."

"No wonder she feels sick," Kiba remarked.

"**Poor girl!" **Ino said.

Tsunade tapped her finger against her thigh. She narrowed her eyes. "Why kind of story was it, Hinata? I told you the most common designations."

"I… ummm… I didn't know that…" Hinata looked over at Naruto and then turned even brighter red. "I wrote what I th-thought was a very nice story. It was about a p-picnic with Naruto-kun…"

"It's OK, Hinata." Tsunade put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "That sounds like a nice story. It's alright if there was some kissing involved."

"**Not if it was with Naruto!" **Sakura's reply was echoed by the other girls.

"Gai-sensai had m-mentioned some of the words. I wrote them down. Some… well… some sounded nice. If he had told us what they m-meant…" Hinata looked over at Naruto again.

"_What _words, Hinata?" Tsunade had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Ummm… l-l-lemon… l-l-lime… I love lemonade and limeade…" Hinata began trembling.

"Oh. Lemonade and Limeade. Those words are fine, Hinata. Just because you use those words doesn't make a story 'Lemon' or 'Lime'." Tsunade let out a deep breath. "You had me worried there for a moment."

"I… ummm… I d-didn't just use those words." Hinata put her hand over her heart. "I f-finished the story by being poetic. I was using the fruit I love as a m-metaphor."

"What words exactly, Hinata." Tsunade fought the urge to jump out the window. If this turned out the wrong way, she might have Gai's head on a pike, but Hyuuga Hiashi would have her head on a platter.

"I… well… I wrote 'After they were finished with their refreshments, they spent the rest of the day and evening together. It was a wonderful day, all l-lemon and l-lime'. It… ummm… it was artistic license."

Tsunade sat down hard. "You may be Hokage sooner than you think, Naruto." She put her head in her hands. "I have a feeling there will be a vacancy soon."

"If there _is, _Naruto won't be the one filling it." Kiba said. "If what Hinata said is true, he's the one whose lemon she'll be squeezing."

"That's right." Tsunade stood up again. "Well, Naruto, I understand that they are still hiring workers in Tanzaku City. It will take a lot more work to rebuild the castle that Orochimaru's snake brought down nearly three years ago." She looked at Hinata and shook her head. "We can probably find work there, if the Hyuugas let us live."

"What are you talking about old lady?" Naruto asked, hands on his hips. He hadn't caught all of Hinata's jumbled responses.

Sakura walked over and whispered into her friend's ear. Naruto went stiff, and slowly fell over like a ninepin barely touched by the ball.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**END**


	2. Epilogue

The room was remarkably quiet, all things considered.

"Do you really think this is the right thing to do, Tsunade?" Kurenai pulled at her hair nervously.

"It might have been kinder to both of them if just the three of us met with them first." Kakashi saw Kurenai's scowl and put his Icha Icha book away.

"We're all friends here," Tsunade said. "They may both need a lot of support." She drummed her fingers nervously on the to of the new lectern. "If she were to meet with Kurenai alone, she might not want to face the others. We can't have that. Both of them are part of valuable teams. And if he had a chance to meet with just the boys…" She slapped her hands against her legs in frustration.

"Jiraiya should be here any moment. I thought he should know what happened to Naruto." Kakashi stood very sedately. "In some way, Naruto looks up to him as a father figure."

"**WHAT?" **Tsunade clenched both fists. There was murder in her eyes. "He's the _last _person we would want here!" If the masked ninja had indeed invited Jiraiya, he could use his sharingan eye to help him copy the sentence 'I will not invite perverts to sensitive situations' a thousand times on the chalk board.

"Oh! My mistake." Kakashi's eye gave away the fact that he was grinning under his mask. "I meant Gai. The names sound so much alike."

"_Men!" _Kurenai said.

"**_AHHHHH! _**You were talking about me." Gai walked in, with Neji, Lee, and Ten Ten in tow. "I'm glad we're not late. We had practice after dark. Unlike my old adversary Kaksashi, I believe in training day and night, to hone their youthful skills to razor sharpness, so they can cut a straight clean path to destiny!"

"**O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-H!" **Lee clenched his fists and cocked his arms, eyes on fire. Ten Ten and Neji looked at one another and shook their heads.

"Did you say something Gai?" Kakashi yawned.

"_Kakashi! _You always do that to me…" Gai furrowed his brow.

Asuma walked up, a cigarette loosely hanging from his lips. He stopped in full view of his fell jounin. "Anyone see Gai yet?" That had Gai grumbling, Kakashi smiling, and Kurenai resting her head against one of the room columns.

"Are they coming here first?" Gai asked. "Or was Shizune going to have a talk with them over at the Clinic?"

"I left that up to the two of them. They can decide as individuals, or sit through the standard talk as a couple." Tsunade closed her eyes. This was more nerve-wracking than it had bee to hear about Sasuke's defection or the frightening goals that Akatsuki once had. God help her! What if they didn't think about protection. Involuntarily, she pictured Hinata with a belly as big as a watermelon. They probably should have received a talk _before_ their… picnic…

"I don't know what everyone is waiting around like shy kids at their first dance." Asuma blew out a loud cloud of smoke. Kakashi took out his book, opened it, and used it as a fan. "Civilian kids do this kind of thing all the time at their age. _Shit! _I was doing it before I was their age." He blew out smoke in Gai's direction this time. Gai stood in a heroic pose, withstanding the dreadful onslaught of the tobacco fumes. Lee looked on with pride.

"This is different," Kurenai said. "Hinata is not like most girls. Even if she _was, _it would be a difficult time." She snatched Asuma's cigarette and tucked it in his shirt pocket, still lit. "It's her first time. To have that happen…"

"With Naruto!" Ten Ten blurted out, before putting her hand over her mouth.

"**AHHHHHHHH!" **Nauto is a fine friend, and an outstanding ninja. He will look out for her honor, making certain that she is free from all danger. **_"OH-H-H-H-H-H-H!" _**Lee struck a pose that mirrored his sensei. Light gleamed off of their teeth at the same moment. Gai was very proud of his student.

Everyone just stared at the bushy-eyebrow boy. The silence was deafening.

"I was going to say, to have that happen at a time that wasn't of her choosing, all because of a stupid story." Kurenai tensed up, very upset. "It's awful! The only good thing is that Naruto is the one boy she would have chosen, if she was forced to choose."

"Naruto? A good thing?" Ino had walked up, along with Choji and Shikamaru. "Hokage, Ma'am? Did you give Kurenai-senai tranquilizers or something?"

"Naruto has good eyes," Neji put in. The whole situation had him concerned, but he would trust Naruto to be as good-hearted as possible. "He always tries his best…"

"**HAH!" **Asuma's short loud laugh had Ino jumping. Shikamaru made a face and sighed. Choji ripped open his next bag. "That's exactly why you should all stop worrying!" he folded his arms over his chest and smiled. "I don't care who wrote the story. It doesn't matter how the words were misinterpreted. We're talking Naruto here. It's not like he's going to make a few dozen clones and then pull a train on her. He probably can't even get one car out of the station…"

"I wouldn't be so certain. He's not like Gai," Kakashi spoke with a straight face. "He doesn't wear a chastity belt." He shrugged. "He also spent a number of years with Jiraiya."

"Huh?" Lee scrunched up his face. "Gai-sensai said that was a belt of weights, to help build up strength in his _prnblgrl" _Gai clamped his hand over Lee's mouth.

"**Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh**…" Asuma lit up again. He imitated Gai's voice. "If I can't get an erection, I will do five hundred laps. If I fail to pop a woody, I will do one thousand sit-ups. If my little ninja can't stand up, I will kick the log one million times."

"My success with women approaches legendary proportions, as does my manhood. There are many women who can vouch…" Gai was cut-off.

"Is this _really _what we need to be talking about?" The Hokage's face had both Gai and Asuma taking a couple of steps back. She frowned, looking over at Kakashi. "You just had to mention that old pervert again, _didn't_ you? Naruto has a lot more character than anyone is willing to give him credit for." She ran a hand through her hair, not seeing Neji nod his head. "But, I'd be worried about a monk that lived with the Frog Hermit for even one single week…"

"But… well…" Kurenai felt a need to change the subject. "We have been able to keep any talk to a minimum." She rubbed her fingers together like Hinata, but stopped when she realized what she had been doing. "The story went over very nicely. It was well written, and the mention of lemon and lime probably went over almost everyone's head." She looked hopeful for a moment. "No one made any mention about the fact that the story would become reality."

"I should also add one thing." Neji said. "Hinata told me that she did not intend to tell her father. I swore an oath to stay silent. Those of us in this room, and anyone Hinata and Naruto might speak to at the Medical Facilities, will be the only ones who know the full ramifications of this."

"Which is the major reason I brought us all together," Tsunade said. "We all need to be discrete." She frowned, seeing Kiba listening around one corner, Shino by his side. "That means every one, _right_ Mr. Inuzuka?"

"I wouldn't worry about _that, _Tsunade." Kurenai looked over at Kiba. "I had a talk with his girlfriend. He has a number of reasons to keep his mouth shut."

"I sent a female bug along with Hinata," Shino said. "If you would like to…" He was interrupted.

"**Where are they already?" **Sakura walked up, and then began pacing. _"This is going to drive me nuts!"_ She was worried about Naruto, as a friend and teammate. She was worried about Hinata for all of the obvious reasons.

"Calm down, Sakura." Tsunade was very proud of her student, but knew all too well what kind of state the pink-haired girl could work herself into. "We don't want to let them know that we're worried. All of us need to be receptive and supportive, without making any kind of fuss or inappropriate comments."

"Yes," Kurenai pleaded with her eyes. "Please act normal when they walk in. Don't act like you see Kyuubi or something!" She bit her lip. "You know what I mean…"

Suddenly, without any warning, the large set of double doors leading into the room blew apart. Wood fragments and hinges all flew about the building in a spiral pattern. When the dust cleared, two figures were standing there.

"_Naruto?" _Kakashi rubbed his one normal eye.

"**_Hinata?" _**Kurenai felt dizzy. She put her hand on her forehead.

Tsunade just stared, her mouth hanging open. She expected to see a pair of embarrassed or chastened teenagers. At most, she thought that naruto would put on some kind of loud act, while Hinata cowered meekly by his side. But _this?_ How… what… why…

"What? Is this a party? How can it be… we weren't invited." Naruto brushed some wood fragments off of Hinata.

"Maybe they misplaced the invitations." Hinata kicked a broken doorknob out of her way. "Kaiten would have been less messy, you know."

"Yeh. But my Rasengan truly kicks ass." Naruto laughed. "It's tough being a stud."

"There's nothing wrong with a tough stud," Hinata said.

Kurenai fell to the floor. Tsunade closed her eyes and banged her head against the a column. A large ceiling fragment fell down, struck her, and then slid off in pieces. Asuma's cigarette fell from between his open lips. Gai covered Lee's eyes with his hands.

"I feel a song coming on," Naruto said, pushing a desk over and standing on it. "I hope they thought to make punch. I'm dying of thirst."

"Sing it, lover." Hinata ran up to grab Naruto's arm.

"**No**…" Ino's eyes went wide.

"**F-cking**…" Kiba could barely speak.

"**Way**…" Genius that he was, Shikamaru couldn't find the right word to describe things. 'Bothersome' and 'Troublesome' didn't even come close.

"I should have quit you, long time ago. Oh yeh yeh… long time ago. I should have quit you, long time ago. " Naruto's singing voice did not do Robert Plant justice. Not by any stretch of the imagination. "I wouldn't be here, my children, down on this killin' floor."

"O-o-o-o-o-h.'The Lemon Song'. Perfect!" Hinata smiled.

"**This can't be happening!" **Sakura looked at Naruto, then Hinata, and then Naruto again.

"_Shhh!" _Hinata shook her finger at the medical trainee.

I should have listened, baby, to my second mind. Oh, I should have listened, baby, to my second mind. Every time I go away and leave you, darling, you send me the blues straight down the line." Naruto handed a cigarette to Hinata. "It's hard to sing with that in my mouth."

"You were doing fine," Hinata said. Her cigarette made it difficult for her to wrap her lips around her words.

"But… but… but…" Neji stood ramrod stiff. This couldn't be real. It must be some kind of Jenjutsu. Could Itachi have snuck into the village somehow? Was this the _Tsukiyomi_ he had heard about? Why else would his cousin be standing there, wearing short denim shorts and a tight halter top? There were nine small butterfly tattoos on the small of her back. That lipstick. Those painted nails. Hinata? Hinata!"

"_Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ab-e_… treat me right baby…. _woh-h-h-h-h-h _my my my _my-y-y-y-y. _People telling'me baby can't be satisfied. Try to worry me baby, but they never hurt you in my eyes. I said people worry baby, I can't keep you satisfied. Let me tell you baby, _ah-h-h-h _you ain't nothin but a two-bit, no-good jive. I Went to sleep last night, worked as hard as I can. Bring home my money, you take my money, give it to another man. I should have quit you, baby, such a long time ago. I wouldn't be here with all my troubles, down on this killing floor."

"O-o-o-o-o-h, give me shivers…" Hinata purred.

"Wh-… Wh-… Wh-…" Tsunade had trouble finding her tongue. There was no doubt. That was Naruto. She could sense Kyuubi's chakra. But, black denim jeans? An open, sleeveless orange denim vest, with nothing worn beneath it? Those tattoos! A giant snarling fox head on his right arm and shoulder… nine stylish fox tails woven around his left arm. "What…"

"**NARUTO!" **That, of course, was Sakura. She found it easy to shout at her teammate; but, the reality was still too wild, too new: she didn't know exactly what to say.

Kakashi was scribbling inside the cover of his Icha Icha book. Sure, it was the wrong thing to do at an incredibly wrong time, but he didn't want to forget a single detail. Jiraiya would kill for this.

"I think they want you to sing louder, sugar." Hinata drew idle drawings on one desk top with her fingers. "Me too. The next lines are my favorite."

"Squeeze me baby, til the juice runs down on my leg. O-o-o-o-o-h, squeeze me baby, til the juice runs down on my leg. The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed-ed-bed-bed. Hey… hey… hey… hey…. hey hey hey… baby baby baby baby bay-be bay-be. I'm gonna leave my children down on this killing floor." Naruto's voice echoed about the large room.

"**Sq-Sq-Squeeze?" **Ten Ten looked at Hinata. She started picturing something, but forced herself to stop. She blushed when she stumbled back into Neji's arms. He was too stunned to notice when she wrapped one of those arms around her.

"**H-H-His?" **Gai's mouth hung open. He looked down at his own package, blinking rapidly. That boy was lucky, while he…

"**_L-L-Lemon!" _**Choji's face was red. His eyes were wide, and snot fountained from his nose. He squeezed an unopened chip bag so hard, it burst. Chips and chip pieces landed on Asuma's hair like large flakes of snow. A slow smile crept onto the jouin's face.

"What's with _them_, sweet cakes?" Hinata looked over at her friends.

"The lemon squeezing line, probably." Naruto shrugged. "Zeppelin lifted it from Robert Johnson's 'Travelin' Riverside Blues'. Maybe they're a bunch of Blues purists or something." He cleared his throat, tring his best to imitate a blues singer. "Now you can squeeze my lemon, til the juice run down my…" He switched from singing to talking, "til the juice run down my leg, baby, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout." He switched back to singing again. "You can squeeze my lemon till the juice run down my leg…that's what I'm talkin' about now… but I'm goin' back to Friar's Point, if I be rockin' to my end."

Kiba couldn't contain himself any more. It was a guy thing. He and his girlfriend had come close, but had not done the deed yet. "So Naruto, you did it?" That had Shino sighing. The female bug had said…

"That's not the real question." Asuma had gotten over the shock, and was back to being his old self. "You know what we want to know!"

"**Uh, No**…" Ino swallowed hard.

"**_No we don't_**…" Ten Ten shook her head. She put her fingers in her ears.

"**_NO WAY!" _**Sakura clenched her fists and smashed one desk with a powerful blow. The Inner sakura tried to calm her down.

"How many times?" Every stood aghast. It hadn't been Asuma who asked that question. Lee had beat him to the punch. His eyes were burning with that flame again. He cocked his finger and pointed at Sakura. He wondered why she tripped over a chair like she did.

"L-L-Lee…" Gai looked shocked at first, but then smiled. The light shining off his teeth had Shikamaru covering his eyes.

"Well, you all know that I have a fox inside of me, right?" Naruto thumbed himself in the abdomen.

"Well, I had some fox inside of me, too." Hinata didn't bother pointing. Everyone should get the picture. Kakashi used his book as a fan again, blowing air on Kurenai's face, trying to revive her.

"Kyuubi's not the only nine _tailed_ fox, if you catch my drift." Smiling, he smacked Hinata nine times on her rump. Ino used the opportunity to cling to Shikamaru, trembling. He wanted to push her away. It was like he was caught in a Shadow Bind. His arms wouldn't move.

"That's my new lucky number, _see?" _Hinata put her left leg up on a chair. There was a large 'nine' tattooed on her thigh. That was too much for Neji. Seeing him passed out on the floor, Ten Ten tried to wake him. Seeing that no one was watching, she tried it Sleeping Beauty style, but Neji was still out of it. Willing to do anything for her teammate, she tried again and again.

"B-… B-… B-…" Tsunade swallowed hard. "But, there was nothing hinting to anything like… this… in the story…" Even if the two had made love after the picnic, the rest of Hinata's story had been beautiful, sweet, and pastoral.

"It's a lot more exciting this way," Hinata said.

"Was there something you all wanted to talk to us about?" Naruto scratched his head. "If not, I'm feeling pretty hungry right now."

"Let's get Ramen," Hinata said. "You know… to celebrate…"

"**Right! **You did the trick, _I'll_ buy the treat." He laughed.

"The trick _was_ the treat, you man you." Hinata bumped her hip against his.

"Either way, you really are someone I can like!" Naruto grabbed hooked his arm through Hinata's and began walking out of the room. _"Toodles!" _He waved the assembled group.

Once they were both outside of the room, they took off running, finding a small empty room that no one would stumble on. "I can't believe that we pulled that off!" Naruto created a dozen clones. They gave the two shinobi a round of applause until each and every one of them had popped from existence.

It had indeed been a splendid show. That had been part of the deal. The people in charge of the contest had given them two choices. They could live out Hinata's story, complete with the uncontrollable urge to have sex until the evening gave way to morning. Or, they could make an even more amusing tale, seeing it through for the readership. The contest sponsors had a number of suggestions, and offered to help get the necessary clothing and fake body markings.

Hinata had been beside herself at first. Neither option sounded good to her. She felt trapped, all because she had used 'lemon' and 'lime' in her story without knowing the meaning of those words in anime Fan Fiction. But, one choice was better than the other, regardless. Yes, she would give away a few years of her life, if one day she really could sleep with Naruto. But, not like this. If he didn't love her, it could never be anything good or worth cherishing.

There had been no picnic. The long day together had been spent in rehearsal, and speaking with people who could help them with their impromptu reactions. Whatever happened with their friends would be spontaneous on the friends' part, so the two shinobi needed to be able to go with the flow.

"I… ummm…" Hinata shivered for a moment. It looked like she was about to pass out. Naruto reached out to steady her, his arm against her back.

"**Hey! **It's over. Don't fall over _now." _He looked at Hinata, and then swallowed hard. She really did look hot in that get-up. No no no no. He had to keep his mind in the right place. "You were really amazing, Hinata. I know that we practiced a lot of those lines; but, you still came up with some on your own!" He took the cigarette out of her mouth. "I wonder if anyone noticed these weren't lit…"

"I… well…" That had Hinata blushing even more. In a way, it had actually been fun pretending like that. For a few moments, she felt important, as if she had actually done something that the other girls hadn't done yet. She might have gotten carried away with her role, though.

"Sugar. Sweet cakes. Where did _those _come from?" Naruto pulled at one ear. Despite everything else they had been through in practice, those simple terms of affection almost had him lose it during their big routine. "And when you shushed Sakura… that was great!"

Hinata just sat silently, twiddling her fingers. Those words had caught her by surprise, too.

"Ready to go back down and tell them the truth?" Naruto stretched with both arms, but quickly placed the one back where it was when Hinata began falling backward.

"N-No, Naruto-kun." Hinata wriggled about a bit. "N-Not yet." She liked the feel of Naruto's arm around her. She had no desire to get up.

"Huh?" Naruto wondered why Hinata closed her eyes and grinned like that. She was probably trying to pull herself together. Girls!

"If…" Hinata took a deep breath. Out of all that had happened, there might be an opportunity for something that she never would have had courage to do outside of her prize-winning story. "If I…" She had to get the words out. Who knows how long before she would work up the nerve from scratch! "If I had a real picnic…" She was going to say 'Would you come?' She blushed, having learned what the homonym for that last word meant. "Would you accompany me?"

"**_WHAT?" _**Naruto put his hand over his mouth. "But… Hinata… this was all just…"

"I… ummm… no… I didn't mean…" Hinata opened her eyes and sat forward. "Like in my story, Naruto-kun. Without the lemon and lime stuff."

"Oh" Naruto put both hands behind his head. He pursed his lips. Out of the corner of his eye, hoping that Hinata couldn't tell where he was looking, he gave her a quick once over again. Now, why was he doing that? "Would there be Ramen?"

"I…" Hinata smiled. He was going to say 'Yes'. "Sure… ummm… if you like. As much as you want."

"Nine bowls?" Naruto was still a trouble-maker, whatever the situation. "That _is_ your lucky number, right?"

"**Naruto-kun!" **Hinata brought her hand to her mouth. With the other hand, she covered the temporary tattoo. Looking down at her bare legs, she tried to pull the frayed edge of her cut-offs down, but they wouldn't go any further.

"It's OK, Hinata. I was just joking. Sorry." He frowned. He had the urge to tell her something. What the Hell, he was Uzumaki Naruto, and he was on a roll. What harm could it do. "I'm not too fond of that tattoo. You have great legs, and they look better without it."

Hinata's eyes went wide. Her mouth was open, but she couldn't get a single word out. That was OK, she couldn't think of a response.

"**Wait! **I mean…" Yes, he was indeed Uzumaki Naruto. That meant that he was actually quite uncertain around girls, despite all of that 'Sakura-chan' nonsense when he was younger. "I shouldn't have said…"

"It's… ummm…" Hinata didn't feel any urge to leave. She didn't run from the room looking for a place to hide. Maybe some of the false front she put on earlier was making her braver in reality. "Thank you,Naruto-kun." That was enough for now. She was not a flirt, no matter what clothing she wore. In time, she would treasure his words, and the shy reaction he had after them. "I can find a picnic basket big enough for nine bowls."

"**It's a date, then!" **Naruto waved his arm flamboyantly. That was just a phrase, like 'let's do lunch' or something. "I mean, it's a _deal_…" He swallowed hard, feeling sweaty suddenly. "I mean…"

"It's a picnic, Naruto-kun." Hinata grinned. It was good, his being shy too.

One step at a time…


End file.
